There are moments in your life when you are reminded of what is most important to you, and you have the chance to evaluate where you are and what you think of yourself. Today was exactly that kind of day, and I learned a very painful, and valuable lesson.
A good friend of ours passed away last Sunday from complications associated with a disease called Lupus. She was only 30 years old. She leaves behind a very good man in her husband, and 2 beautiful young boys, ages 4 and 1. We attended her funeral today.
Laura was one of those special people that can be happy no matter what. She loved life. She was always smiling, and she was always trying to make others smile too. She was an extremely caring and compassionate person. Had I not known her, I may never have had the opportunity to meet and get to know the woman who would become my wife.
There is a long story behind this, which I won't go into in detail. It is difficult for me to share some of this, as I am not proud of some my actions. The short version is... Laura and I dated off and on for a year or so. I was not in a good place emotionally or spiritually at that time in my life. She wanted a real relationship but I held her at arm's length, taking advantage of her feelings knowing she wouldn't leave. I knew I could not give her what she wanted and deserved in a relationship. We finally broke up, but remained in contact as friends. She had a new roommate move in, who I became interested in. Although I knew Laura still had feelings for me, I began to date her new roommate and we eventually got married. Laura was very hurt in the process, but I didn't consider her feelings. I was the consummate jerk. Her friendship with my wife was also obviously affected by this, as they had been close previously.
Laura eventually went on to marry also, and have a family. We had both moved on and were very happy. After some time, she and my wife reconciled their friendship. Through her contact with my wife, she let it be known to me that there were no hard feelings on her part, and that she still considered me a friend and wanted only the best for me. She wanted a chance to talk, but I said no. She gave me a wide open door to step up and make things right, to apologize for what I put her through, to forgive, forget and move on. I didn't take it. She was left with the impression that I didn't want anything to do with a reconciliation.
As we sat through that funeral, I was haunted by my actions. I felt an overwhelming sense of regret. It may seem small or insignificant to you, I suppose. We had both moved on, right? We were both happily married and there was no need to pal around and hang out together. But that's not what she wanted. She just wanted me to know that bygones were bygones and we were good. This coming from the one who had been hurt. She went to her grave without knowing that I am truly sorry for the way I treated her, without hearing me say those words and offering a sincere apology. Even though she had already forgiven me, she deserved to hear it.
So the lesson I learned today is this... when we die, and we are thought of, spoken of, and remembered, the measuring stick of our life is truly nothing more than how we treated others. I NEVER want to attend another funeral and regret the way I treated that person. I NEVER want there to be "unfinished business", words left unspoken, deeds left undone. I NEVER want to experience that kind of regret again. Ever.
Laura, you taught me an invaluable lesson about our capacity to love and forgive. Thank you for your example, and for your life. I am grateful to have known you, and in honor of your memory I vow to share this lesson with all those willing to hear it.
